Psychologist explains how to ask for help — TIME
Psychologist Joan M. Cook explained in an article for TIME that the ability to seek and accept support is an important skill that can strengthen relationships and gradually enhance a person’s independence. According to her, excessive self-reliance or stoicism is not always effective.
Cook notes that people often do not ask for help because they believe they should handle everything on their own. Among other reasons, she cites fear of seeming weak or needy, fear of rejection, reluctance to burden others, and the belief that receiving support creates a debt to the person who provided it.
Identify your own needs
The psychologist advises first assessing one’s own needs and understanding which of them a person can meet independently and for which support from others may be useful. At the same time, she notes that some needs may remain unmet.
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Cook suggests asking for specific help from a person who is likely able to provide it. For example, if someone does not want to go alone to a company picnic, they can ask an acquaintance to keep them company. The author emphasizes that requests should be phrased politely, taking into account not only the words but also the tone of voice, posture, and body language.
Start with simple requests
As an example of a practical approach, Cook mentions the Seeking Safety method, created for people who have experienced trauma and simultaneously have post-traumatic stress disorder and problems with psychoactive substance use. In her view, its principles may be useful for a wider range of people: start with small requests and turn to those you trust. The likelihood of receiving help with a trip to a job interview or to a doctor, she notes, may be higher than when asking someone to pay rent or a car payment.
Psychologist Adam Brown, a professor at the New School for Social Research, told the publication that strong social ties and support are among important protective factors during stress and difficult life circumstances. He considers seeking help an adaptive way of coping with difficulties that reduces isolation and provides an opportunity to gain a new perspective on the situation. Cook also advises being prepared for refusal and not taking it personally, as it may be related to a person’s time, finances, or other resources.
